With a year of bushfires, floods and a pandemic that has caused significant unpredictability and anxiety, many children (and adults) are just hanging on, waiting for school to finish for the term, for the busy-ness of Christmas to come and go and for 2021 to bring a fresh start and new hope. However “hanging on” takes up a lot of our cognitive and emotional capacity and, as the stress begins to ease and we no longer need to hang on so tight, there is a period dys-organisation before organisation, dys-regulation before regulation- chaos before the calm.
There are many ways children let us know that they are feeling “out of sync”. In some children we see “hyperactivity” or hypervigilance, increased heart rate, increased respiration rate, shallow breathing, increased aggression, increased sensitivity to sensory input, increased tension, increased frustration or seemingly more “emotional”. In others we might see increased fatigue, decreased immune system function, fogginess, more support required with everyday tasks or more connection-seeking.
Identifying these behaviours as a response to the shift in states- an autonomic, involuntary response- rather than a voluntary decision, is vital for supporting kids through this time. It is also important to remember that, as these behavioural responses are involuntary, cognitive processes such as reflection, reasoning and problem solving are not “switched on” and they rely on us to help them navigate their way through the chaos.
Following is a list of general strategies that can be used to support children through the chaos. However, the list is not exhaustive, is not a one-size-fits-all and doesn’t replace individualised professional support.
1. Provide safety and reassurance through relationship and co-regulation.
In order to effectively support a child through emotion, we need to come from a place of calm- we need to keep our emotions steady and our tone and body language in tune with the child’s emotional state. It is from this place of calm that we can empathise with how a child is feeling, validate their emotions and hold space for them to feel safe amidst big, intense emotion, anchoring them and laying the foundations for connectedness and, later, self-regulation.
When a child is in a state of chaos or stress, we can support emotion regulation and restore calm through co-regulation, by coming from our own place of calm and attuning to the child’s emotional state.
Through connection, we are able to use our facial expressions, tone of voice, rhythm, movement, breathing, (appropriate) touch and position in the space to covey empathy, compassion, stability, support and, ultimately, a perception of safety.
Consistent experiences of co-regulation support security of self, and within relationships, and leads to the development of self-regulation.
2. Hold space, with genuine empathy and compassion, for the child to feel, express and regulate their emotions without judgement or comment.
When kids are angry, sad, frustrated or disappointed we innately want them to feel better, we want to fix their “problems” and take away their hurt. We might try to reassure them with our words, offer advice or solutions, distract them or downplay how big of a deal their issue is in attempt to help them feel better. Sometimes we might even get angry, sad, frustrated or disappointed in response.
But children need to express their emotions in order to understand them and, in turn, work towards the complex skill of self-regulation as they grow and develop. We can provide, and hold, a safe and stable space for kids to reference whilst they express and, move through, their emotions.
3. Encourage diaphragmatic breathing
When kids are anxious, stressed and overwhelmed, we often see that they are breathing rapidly and taking short breaths from the chest rather than deep breaths from the diaphragm. Respiration (especially exhaling) is one of the best things we can get them doing to help them find their calm.
But deep, long breaths are hard for many people, especially kids and especially stressed kids, so we often need to come up with creative ways to get them breathing and focusing on the exhale. Try blowing through a straw into water and dish liquid to make bubble monsters, exploring whistles, blowing leaves or feathers, singing, blowing balloons and letting them go or blowing bubbles through a bubble wand
4. Rhythmical movement followed by breathing exercises
It’s well known that movement promotes the release of endorphins (happy chemicals in the brain) and, in turn, reduces stress and anxiety. But movement also stimulates the vestibular system which, particularly rhythmic, linear movement, can be extremely calming for the nervous system. Try swings, a hammock, bouncing on a gym ball or rolling backwards and forwards on your tummy on a gym ball.
5. Oral-Motor Strategies
From birth, the mouth is used for survival- to feed, to explore, to connect, and to calm and self-regulate. There is a strong relationship between the functions of the mouth (suck/swallow/breathe), and the synchrony between these functions, with arousal levels, postural activation and social-emotional development. Try icy drinks through a straw, thickened drinks, crunchy items such as carrots, chewing gum or dried fruits and whistles, blow toys and kazoos. 5. Reduce demands and expectations
6. Provide opportunities for mindfulness.
Mindfulness allows us to stay present in the moment we are in and be aware and accepting of our feelings which, in turn, can support a calm, focused state. It involves stilling the busy mind and that’s a big ask for many kids and requires a level of cognition. Ways to encourage mindfulness in kids include activities that bring the eyes, hands and attention to the body and the here and now. Try activities such as craft projects, gathering treasures from the bush or the beach, colouring and drawing, gardening or walking through nature and paying attention to the things you can hear, see, small, taste and touch.
7. Reduce demands and expectations
When we are stressed there is often less capacity for the external demands of daily life. As our children move through periods of chaos, slow things down, and reduce demands and expectations so as to reduce the feeling of overwhelm. This may mean helping your child with tasks that they are usually independent with, it may mean un-scheduling their day and minimising obligations, or it may be providing more time to accomplish a task. Meet the child where they are at, reduce demands and increased support.8. Facilitate time in nature to calm the nervous system
Nature provides us with an abundance of sensory input, and it is through sensory experiences, that we develop a perception of ourselves, the world around us and who we are in relation to the world.
Each of these sensory experiences are coded with emotion so, not only does our perception of the sensory world develop self-awareness and security in our bodies and mind, but also forges a connection, a felt sense of being, that comes from attaching emotion to the sensation. This connection to nature and to self can be incredibly grounding and calming for the nervous system.
In addition, nature is filled with many small details- a beetle on a leave, a flower blooming, a spider in a web. Bringing our awareness to the smaller details can be a mindful, calming experience.
If accessing nature outdoors is tricky right now check out these ways to bring the outside in.
9. Provide opportunities for the child to nurture
Caring for another being, whether it be a person, animal or plant, is a wonderful way to reduce stress in kids (and adults alike). The genuine act of nurturing floods our body with oxytocin- the feel good hormone that counteracts the stress hormone, cortisol, facilitates connection, and is a platform for empathy and compassion.
Taking care of a plant or animal is a great place to start as their is less emotion and affect to manage in comparison to another person. It provides children with an opportunity to nurture, to be kind and gentle and to consider the Earth and environment and, as the seeds sprout, plants grow, flowers bloom, and bees and bugs seek shelter and nutrients, compassion and empathy is reinforced.
10. Provide opportunities for appropriate touch sensation
Touch, including light touch and deep pressure touch, can convey a sense of safety, comfort and support. In addition, deep pressure to the muscles and joints provides magical proprioception to the body that can be calming, alerting and regulating for the nervous system. Play wrestling with child and parent is one of my favourite ways to do this as it provides an opportunity to reconnect when tensions are high along with other sensory input too but it’s not for everyone in every situation so explore different ways to get deep pressure in that is right for your child. Alternatives to try include squishing under pillows, rolling a gym ball over the body, squeeze hugs, rolling up in a blanket, providing a tight space such as a box with cushions or using a Lycra body sock.
11. Balance games to activate inner core muscles to support diaphragmatic breathing.
Walking, climbing and crawling on narrow, uneven or unstable surfaces activates the inner core muscles that support posture and breath- both are fundamental for regulation.
Climb rocks, trees or build pillow mountains, try surfing, skating or hit the hills with some cardboard or a body board, balance on a therapy ball or stand on a wobble board, or work on a vertical surface (paper on wall, chalk board or white board).
12. Provide opportunities for creative expression including dance, drama, singing, painting, drawing, poetry or journaling.
Emotions do not just simply go away once we have experienced them, they are stored in the body until they have been processed, expressed and physically “moved on”. It is often difficult for children to articulate and discuss how they feel- they may not feel comfortable or they may not fully understand the emotions. The emotions may be too big and have been pushed away or pushed down or they may not have the capacity or the awareness to explore their emotions.
Creativity is a fantastic way to explore and express emotions without having to explain them and without judgement. It be a sub-conscious process that requires minimal cognition.There is no right and wrong. There are no mistakes, just the freedom to express. Creative expression can allow children to make sense of experiences and emotions, for example, through dramatic play.
13. Spark joy and laughter through playfulness- experiencing joy, particularly in the context of relationship, is a powerful antidote to stress.
There are many moments to share joy, sync up and connect- playing together, moving together (piggy back rides, dancing and play wrestling), being silly, dramatic play, exploring together. Being playful, laughing and experiencing joy promotes right brain activity and takes us away from the systematic, organised, structured way of thinking that often creates stress and anxiety.
In addition, when we perceive happiness in another person, via facial expressions and tone of voice, it opens up opportunities to experience shared joy. It is through shared joy that our brains “sync up” and we are able to connect with each other, support each other and convey safety.
14. Use of rhythm
The basis of our very existence is rhythm- our heart beat, breathing, sleep/wake- as is the basis of the world around us- day/night, tides, seasons. We can use rhythm to regulate the nervous system and provide predictability.
Listen to music, make music, move to music, create to music, swing, bounce, rock, or simply throw a ball back and forth. Immerse ourselves in nature’s rhythms- swim in the ocean, walk through nature, explore rock pools. Support breathing patterns through yoga, meditation and respiration toys.
15. Creating a safe space for kids to go to to “take a break”
When kids are overwhelmed, creating a safe space is one of the best things we can do to teach them self-regulation and the concept of taking a break can be transferred across environments and through the ages and stages. A safe, quiet space offers an opportunity to recover, to reflect and to slow the pace of the world around you.
Build a cubby from blankets, sheets, towels, cardboard, rope, pallets, existing furniture- whatever you have at home! Create comfort with cushions and pillows, blankets, fairy lights or a torch, some books or quiet games (screen-free) or calming sensory toys- the aim is to create a calm, quiet space so less is more.
